Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
