my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
