The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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