you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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