New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
