Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
