I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
