Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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