Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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