Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
