I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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