Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
