i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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