she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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