I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
