I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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