I feel like abortions should bother me more
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
