my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Verdict: uncircumcised.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
