do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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