Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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