Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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