hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
