youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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