You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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