I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
