I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
