your thong is hanging out like whoa
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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