I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
