I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
