I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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