just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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