i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
