so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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