Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
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at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
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I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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