OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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