I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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