turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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