And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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