you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
