Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
