i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
