this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?