upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
