I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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