Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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