were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
