first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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