He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
