dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.