Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.