you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
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how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
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Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake