She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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