Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
