Michael Bay diarrhea
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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