so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
