I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
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Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
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I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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