I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
