Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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