last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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