I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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